This week I made an executive decision to skip one of the sessions in the SACH series called “Playing Catch Up”. It was geared toward the parents who have older children who did not receive this information when they were young and feel it is too late to learn it now. Dr. Tripp encouraged us that as parents, it is never too late to change a heart (Just look at the apostle Paul) and talked about ways we could communicate the values and lessons we have been learning to older children. If you would like more information on this session, please let me know. For the majority of us however, I felt it would be a better use of our time to skip ahead to the chapters I have personally been anticipating the most. “Ages 0-5 Goals and Objectives” and next meeting’s session: “Ages 0-5 methods”.
So we have discussed the overflow of the heart, our wish for our children to desire to glorify God with their lives, and some ways to go about “shepherding” our children toward these goals. This week Dr. Tripp talked about what our expectations as parents should be when our children are ages 0-5. He discussed how quickly our children develop and learn in amazing ways during their first year let alone the first five. It is easy to get so excited about their accomplishments and advancements that we might forget how young they really still are. I know with my first, she was communicating so well at an early age, it was sometimes easy to expect more from her than was reasonable. It was also easy to give her more control than I probably should have because she seemed so capable. While it is good to nurture their personalities and abilities, Dr. Tripp makes the not so popular statement that we should be teaching our young children that they are a person under authority. He pointed out Ephesians 6:1-3 again and shared that Ephesians 1 “Children obey your parents as to the Lord” was the first verse he ever memorized. Whenever his parents asked him or one of his siblings to do something and they didn’t respond correctly, they would have to recite Ephesians 6:1. Once they were older they wouldn’t have to recite the verse, just the mention of it from his father was enough of a memory jog to give them the incentive to do what was right. He made it clear that without consistency and practice, this verse would have meant little or nothing to him and his siblings. We need to constantly teach our children Biblical concepts in our homes so it will be easier for them to discern what is Biblical and what is not when they are exposed to other ways of thinking within the culture.
Perhaps the sharpest contrast to the world’s perspective is the concept of God’s circle of blessing and the roles of honor and obedience. Dr. Tripp drew a circle on a chalk board with the word honor above the circle and obedience underneath. Inside the circle he drew a person with the words ‘long life’ on one side of the person and ‘go well’ on the other side. This drawing represented the promise behind Ephesians 6:2-3: “‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’” Basically, we want our children to understand that if they honor and obey, they will be safe (long life) and they will be trusted by others (go well with you). Often we as parents give our children signs letting them know when it is time to obey. Whether it is veins shooting out of our necks while we say their full name or we reach whatever number the child has been trained to respond to before a spanking, our children will push obedience to the limit. If they know they don’t have to respond right away, they won’t. So why not train our children from a young age to respond at the first request. Dr. Tripp gives us a definition of obedience that will help us see what we can and should expect from our children more clearly: Obedience is submission to God’s authority that causes a child to do what he has been told to do without challenge, without excuse and without delay. If our children are dragging their feet, complaining, making excuses or questioning the task at hand, they essentially are not being obedient. This may seem harsh and like too much to expect, but if we look at the fact that it is the overflow of the heart we are after, we really can’t overlook the attitude behind their “obedience”. So how do we teach this to our children? Dr. Tripp suggests drawing out the circle of blessing and sharing it with our children regularly reminding them that it is important to honor and obey so they may live a long life and it may go well with them. We need to remind them of the importance of honoring God in a culture that doesn’t seem to honor anyone and likes to promote the friendship we can have with God, while excluding the fear of God that the Bible is clear we must have. “Fear the LORD your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name.” (Deuteronomy 6:13) Many people ask the question, “If God is all loving, and full of grace and forgiveness, why would he want me to fear Him?” Some even suggest he sounds egotistic and tyrannical to say we must fear Him. Let me put this in perspective. If you look back to your own child hood, would you say you were partially obedient because you feared the punishment of your father? I know I was! I feared my dad. I also knew without a doubt that he loved me unconditionally, worked hard to provide for my needs and would do anything for me, my siblings and my mother, even if that meant dying for us. Even if I didn’t understand why he laid out certain rules or I desired to break the rules he laid out, the fear of him helped keep me out of trouble, gave me a longer life and made me a responsible teenager and young adult that other adults knew they could trust, and thus it went well with me. My dad didn’t want me to fear him in a way that we might fear a serial killer or a wild animal. He wanted me to fear him for the purpose of keeping me safe and helping me to make good decisions… because he loved me. How much wiser and more loving is our Heavenly Father? We can fear God trusting that His laws are good and His discipline is just. We can fear God knowing that it is that fear that will keep us safe and give us a good life. Dr. Tripp notes that it is important that we model this obedience and honor in the way we live as well, and if our children witness us sinning against God, our spouse, or them with words or actions, we need to confess that sin to them and ask for their forgiveness.
Something Dr. Tripp talked about that really hit home was the tendency for us to relinquish our God-given parental authority. We will say things like, “Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot you don’t like oatmeal. Would you like cocoa puffs or sugar snacks instead?” I’m sure we can all think of examples in our own child rearing where we have done this! He also gives the example of the parent who might say “Would you like to play softball or not? Just let us know what you would like to do.” Dr. Tripp points out that decisions should not be up to the child at this age. Being under authority is a place of blessing. We need to remember that if we want our children to trust us when they are older, we need to show them they can trust us when they are younger. By relinquishing decision making over to our children at such a young age, we not only put our children in the place of authority, but we also stunt our children’s ability to know we make good decisions for them, and we may even run the risk of overwhelming them. Remember, we are talking about ages 0-5 years old. And while a five year old is certainly old enough to make many decisions throughout the day, Dr. Tripp suggests, this may have a negative effect on many different levels. It is important for us as parents to step in, be parents and make these choices for our children. Whether it is signing them up for something you know they would be good at (even if they say they don’t want to do it) or deciding to keep them out of a certain activity, that should be the choice of the parent. Our children are too young at this age to make wise decisions for themselves and being their decision maker is just one way we can show them they can trust us with their lives. It is also easy to see in our culture that parents are not honored by their children. Often a parent will jump to meet their child’s demands without requiring the request be made in an appropriate manner. We need to communicate to our children that, of course we would like to meet their need for them because we love them, but they must honor us in the way they ask. When we allow our young children to be the decision makers and speak to us in a dishonoring way, we relinquish our position of authority and deprive our children of understanding the importance of living under authority and thus receiving God’s blessing. This often ends up in power struggles with children or parents who give up and become compliant.
Dr. Tripp then described what it looks like when a child disobeys. He drew the circle of blessing once more, but this time the person was outside the circle with an arrow extending from the circle to the person. Above and below the arrow were the words dishonored and disobeyed. He then drew another arrow pointing from the person back into the circle with the words correction and discipline. This visual can show your children that what they did has placed them outside the circle of blessing where they are kept safe and that discipline and correction are needed to bring them back into that circle. Discipline and correction is actually a rescue mission for our children. We don’t discipline and correct because we are angry, or fed up, but we correct and discipline out of love so that our children can stay in God’s circle of blessing.
Questions/ Discussion
1. What are some examples of ways we as parents give up our authority to our children?
2. What are some things our parents did differently that may have given them an edge on authority?
3. What are some examples of decisions your parents made for you that you resisted at first, but impacted you for the better?
4. Does your child know that when you discipline them it is out of love?
This was a great discussion because not only were we able to share many examples from each question, but we also received and offered advice about things that helped us get over bad habits in this area. One mom described how she used to allow her 2 and 4 year olds to choose what they wanted to have for breakfast each morning and they often chose something different from each other and then when they saw what the other was eating, they would want that. Breakfast time had gotten out of control and it all came to a crash when her 4 year old started preschool. That’s when she put an end to breakfast time choices and started making the choice herself. To ease them into the change, she made a chart with each day of the week and the breakfast menu for that day. The kids now get excited to see what they get to have each day and she admits they are more excited to see what she has chosen for them than they ever got about choosing for themselves. She also mentioned an additional set back in decision making with the onset of preschool. When it came to choosing what to wear, she relinquished the complete decision from her child and started putting aside the clothes for the week, and allowing them to choose their socks and underwear instead of the whole outfit. Once again, she was surprised to see how limiting her child’s choices actually made them feel more confident and secure and renewed her authority in such a simple and un-tyrannical way. I learned quickly that if I allowed my child to choose food options, she would nine times out of ten choose the least healthy option. Now I happily declare what she will be eating. One thing I have always tried to be consistent with is the way my daughter speaks to me. From the moment she started forming sentences, she knew she would not receive what she was asking for unless she asked in a sweet way and with a please. She isn’t always perfect, but she does pretty well, and I have learned from this that consistency is the key.
When it came to our parents and the advantage they had on us today, we all agreed that less stuff and less rushing around probably helped them gain authority. I don’t remember ever having the choices children have today. In fact, the choices were very limited due to the amount of options available. While my daughter now has a basket full of different kinds of shoes, I may have had one pair of dress shoes and one pair of play shoes. When you have less stuff to choose from, the choices are simpler and often made for you. The fewer toys our children have to make a mess with, the less mess they will make and the less overwhelming it will be and the easier it will be to obey when mom asks to clean up. The less running around we do with our kids, the less overtired and cranky our children will be, giving them the energy and state of mind to be able to respond in the way we’ve requested. The more we are home with our children, the more we can teach them these principles.
We all had an easy time thinking of good decisions our parents made for us that would never have happened if let to our own accord. One mom described how she was introverted and didn’t want to get involved in anything. Her mom signed her up for softball and gymnastics and she spoke fondly of how these activities gave her confidence and how she made lots of friends. My mom signed me up for an acting class against my will when I was six. I loved it so much I ended up getting a degree in theatre! My dad also enlisted my siblings and I to work at his delis with him every Saturday from the day we turned seven. I would never have made this choice on my own. I wanted to be home sleeping in, watching cartoons and hanging out with friends on Saturdays, not going to work. I cried every Saturday morning until I was finally old enough to realize that it was doing me a world of good. I was able to buy a car unlike many of my friends when I turned sixteen, and I obtained a good work ethic and learned the value of a dollar.
In closing, I just want to say, if we are showing our children unconditional love, they will understand this concept of the circle of blessing, the importance of submitting to authority and the necessity of discipline and correction. After giving Sophia a spanking last week when she blatantly disobeyed right in front of me, I talked to her about this concept. About an hour later she gave me a hug and I asked her, “Do you know why I spanked you earlier?” She responded by saying, “Because you love me.”
~Theresa
I am reading Tedd Tripp's book at the momemt and find it of immense help. I will probably write something about the tons of lessons I am learning.
ReplyDelete