This week’s session was one that really resonated with everyone in the group for many different reasons. We focused on what our goals are for our children, how those goals are impacted by our society and how some of those goals may actually have adverse results regarding our children’s ability to glorify our Heavenly Father. Tedd began the session by recalling the first question of the Shorter Catechism of Westminster Confession of Faith: “What is the chief end of man?” The answer? “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever”. If we really believe that God created everything around us, gave us breath and created our very own beloved children, shouldn’t we all desire to glorify and enjoy Him? Many of us may have this desire and know it is best for our lives and our children’s, but the goals we set for our families may contradict or get in the way of this goal.
In a success driven society, often the goals we have for our children and ourselves as parents are focused on this idea. We want to be “successful” parents who raise “successful” children. There are tons of books written on how to be a better, more successful parent and raise children who will meet our expectations. We are obsessed with making a name for ourselves and being envied. Even within the church, we set goals for our children that will better reflect ourselves than they will our Heavenly Father. While reviewing these goals, I noticed how many of them, apart from the desire to glorify God, will produce children who are much like the Pharisees of Jesus’s day. They looked good on the outside, but their hearts and objectives were not focused on God. Some of these goals we set are as follows: (I have added what Jesus said about the Pharisees at the end of each goal that parallels His words.)
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1. Special Skills: We want out children to be the best in sports, music, academics, dance, etc. We will exhaust ourselves and our children by getting them involved in tons of activities, driving them here and there, not to mention the monetary cost of each of these activities. It is not that the activities themselves are bad or harmful, but some questions we must ask ourselves are, “Will the lessons taught in these activities be Biblical?”, “Will God be the one glorified through these activities?” and “Does my child know that he/ she does not have to be the best to glorify God in what they are involved in?” We must not let society tell us that the measure of our children is based on the number and quality of their skills, and neither is a parent measured by the number of activities in which they involve their child. If our children do end up having a special skill, pride will be the end result if they are not focused on giving God the glory. “Everything they do is done for men to see: They make their phylacteries wide and the tassels on their garments long; they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues; they love to be greeted in the marketplaces and to have men call them ‘Rabbi.’” (Matthew 23:5-7)
2. Psychological adjustment: We’ve all heard it and even said it ourselves, “We just want our children to be happy.” Whether we are trying to protect our children from challenges we faced in our past, or just trying to make sure they are “well adjusted”, we can justify this belief in many different ways, but, is this really the ultimate goal? “Happy” kids? I think we all know of people who are outwardly happy, but do not have the holy spirit alive in their hearts or the desire to live for Him. I know that if I gave my children candy whenever they wanted they would be “happy”, but would they be the kind of people who could bring others to Christ? Our bookstores and public school books are peppered with the concept of “self-esteem”. Our society praises the confident, successful person. We teach our children how to esteem themselves, but what about teaching them to esteem others? How about teaching them about submission? If you look at the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, Jesus mentions some characteristics of people who are blessed. Among the list are these, “the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, and those who are persecuted because of righteousness.” Nowhere does it say “those with good self-esteem”. This isn’t to say we need to beat our children down, telling them they are nothing in order to be considered blessed in the kingdom of God. On the contrary, they need to know they are important to the One who created all things and He has a special plan for their lives, but they also need to know God has a plan for all, and His second commandment just behind loving Him, is to love all others. “For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” (Matthew 23: 12)
3. Preoccupation with your child praying “the sinner’s prayer”: We as parents want our children to know, love, and accept Christ as their savior. This is a good thing for us to desire, but it cannot be the main focus. Dr. Tripp points out that many could say this prayer without really meaning it just because they know it is what we expect from them, and even if they do truly believe, the journey does not stop there. We cannot wash our hands and say, “ok, I think we’re done here”. Our children will not be perfect after saying this prayer and we cannot expect them to be.
4. Family Worship: While having family worship within the home is a noble and important goal, it must be followed up with a connection in our daily lives. As vital as family worship is, it cannot become a substitute for true spirituality. “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.” (Matthew 23: 25-26)
5. Good Behavior: This is a big one for many parents including myself. With so many people looking on, watching our children and judging our parenting by our children’s actions, how could this not be the wish of every parent? Who wouldn’t love to go out to dinner and have well- behaved children who inspire strangers to come up and compliment the family? While good behavior is a blessing and often a result of Biblical child rearing; it cannot be our primary objective. When our children’s behavior is severed from Biblical roots and the idea of servanthood, they can and will use it as a tool of manipulation to achieve their desires, and make others believe they are sincerely humble are when their heart is only focused on bringing glory and praise to themselves. When this is the primary objective for our children, the burning issue becomes the concern for what others think about us and our children rather than what God thinks. “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.” (Matthew 23:27-28)
6. Good education: Dr. Tripp emphasizes that many people who are well educated still do not understand life. We can probably all think of people in our lives who are “professional students”. While the Bible makes it clear that wisdom is something to be sought after and understanding His word and Truth is a lifelong journey, it cannot be the focus of our lives or our children’s. They can go to the best schools, get the best grades and graduate at the top of their class, but if they do not glorify God with the knowledge they have been blessed with, what good is it? This, perhaps is the goal the Pharisees were best at achieving. They spent a majority of their time studying the Torah and relating it to those around them, but they did not even know the living God when they saw him. “The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach” (Matthew 23: 2-3)
7. Control Kids: Unlike the other goals, there is nothing noble about this one. The desire for our children to do what we want, when we want and leave no room for error is completely unbiblical. Manipulative parents will raise manipulative children. “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.” (Matthew 23: 13)
8. Influences of the values of our culture: Our culture tells us how our children should behave, what activities they should be involved in and what their interests should be. There is a reason many evangelical young people are labeled as “Jesus freaks”. They do not fit the mold of what our society says is ‘normal’ and acceptable. Society tells our children at a young age that they should be interested in the latest pop stars, achieving stardom through meeting goals and ‘never giving up’ on those goals. They are exposed to commercials and magazines that tell them what they should desire and where their minds should be focused. For tweens and teenagers, the inundation is relentless, but even for small children, they are seeing what our society values in store windows, on the TV and even in our own homes. Tedd reminds us that we are warned against this kind of influence in Colossians 2:8, “See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.”
With all these goals bombarding us every day, we need to be focused on the ONE true Biblical objective which is to glorify and enjoy God. “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31), “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Colossians 3:17) Dr. Tripp asks, ‘do we really want our children so driven and focused on some goal that has nothing to do with God?’ Everything we see around us tells us we should desire big things for our children, but the Bible tells us we should desire big things for God. Our desire should be that He uses us and our children to accomplish those things for His glory, not our own.
So if our goal should be to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever, how do we embody this for our children? We have already touched on the first part of this statement, but what does it mean to enjoy Him forever? Dr. Tripp gave a couple examples of how we as parents often show our children just the opposite. Our culture is a materialistic culture and we as parents often find delight in delighting our children with material things. He gave a description of a 3 yr. old child who was driving an electric corvette down their street and asked the question, “If he is driving an electric Corvette at three, what is it going to take to satisfy him when he is older?” A great question! We as parents dote on our children in such a way that we can actually be harming their spiritual growth. Tedd also pointed out all the time and money spent on video games, spectator sports, the emphasis on Christmas presents, and other means to excite our children, and asks us as Christian parents, how we justify these expenses (both time and money wise). He reminds us that none of these things in and of themselves are inherently bad, but they all deter our children’s attention from God and puts our resources in things that “…moth and rust destroy…” (Matthew 6:19). How can our children learn to delight in their creator when they are distracted by so many other things? Dr. Tripp also reminds us of Ephesians 5:15 “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” He urges us to cast aside the desires of this world and find a lasting desire for God, His truth, His word and pass that desire along to our children. Many of the Psalms are rich with poetry to the living God from His children telling Him how much they love Him, like Psalm 73:25-26, “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Other examples are Psalm 36:5-9 and Psalm 63:1-2. Dr. Tripp suggests we read these to our children to remind them of the kind of reverence and joy we can find in our Lord. Psalm 145 says “One generation will commend your works to another;
they will tell of your mighty acts.” We need to do this with our children.
Dr. Tripp ended the session with some challenging questions. These questions are what we discussed within our group.
1. How do you define success for your family?
2. How would your children complete this sentence, “What my mom and dad want most from me is…”
3. What do you value and teach in your home?
4. What do you fear, love, feel anxious about?
5. Are spoken and unspoken rules in the family consistent with true spirituality and living for the glory of God?
6. How has the culture impacted your goals and ideas of your children?
7. Are you teaching your kids to function in a society on its terms or God’s terms?
8. Are you personally in tune with the Biblical goal to live for God, where life is found and do your children know that if they grow up to live and live for God that is enough for you?
9. Are you sending mixed signals by telling your children one thing and living another?
11. True spiritual connection must be nurtured. How can you change some ways your family spends their time so there is more time to talk to your kids about God?
Discussion
Since this review is already pretty long, I will not go into great detail of our discussion, but I will say it was a good one!! Whether it is the pressure to remove our children from our own influence and into school at a very young age, to buy our children what society tells them they need, enroll them in activities they should be in, or the pressure to have perfect children every minute of the day to avoid un-approving glances – we all feel it! We were all able to encourage each other with the challenges we are facing along with the challenge to be different. God says we are to stand out and make people wonder why we do things the way we do and how we can find so much joy while defying the statutes of our peers.
Homework
God has truly been blessing this group and I feel His hand on us. I also feel Him urging us to step outside ourselves and get involved in the community somehow. It would be great to involve the kids, but it is hard to find ministry and volunteer opportunities that are friendly for kids under 3 yrs. Please pray and research and get back to me on any ideas you may have of things we can do either collectively or independently with our families. Some ideas are taking our children to visit a nursing home, volunteering to organize donations for a pregnancy center, etc. I also wanted to suggest rotating babysitting the younger kids so we can all have a chance to get out and volunteer with our older kids. Having children who live to glorify God begins with us. Let’s find ways to get involved, and show our children how much joy can be found in serving Him.
~Theresa
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